Coming Out: Living Authentically as LGBTQ+ Asian Americans, Native Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders

No matter who we are or whom we love, we all deserve the right to live out our lives genuinely, completely and honestly.

Some who were raised in religious communities must reconcile themselves with traditions and teachings that may condemn or otherwise reject LGBTQ+ identities. Others, especially those who are immigrants or were raised in immigrant families, must grapple with multicultural identities and familial expectations. Language differences can make it difficult to find relevant or relatable resources and support, and a lack of LGBTQ+ AANHPI representation in media, entertainment and politics perpetuates invisibility.

Many LGBTQ+ people report that after coming out, they are able to communicate better with their family and friends.

While the LGBTQ+ AANHPI experience is as varied and diverse as the many cultures within our community, in the following sections we will discuss common issues during the coming out process.

More than 6 in 10 AANHPIs in the United States are immigrants. Many AANHPI youth are raised by parents who left their home countries, family and friends in search of a better life. These parents work hard to ensure that their children have greater educational and occupational opportunities.

Growing up amid these significant sacrifices, AANHPI youth in the United States often feel indebted to their parents. They fear disappointing their parents, and will avoid doing anything that might humiliate them or bring shame upon the family among the wider community. Especially in cultures that stress familial duty or conformity, LGBTQ+ AANHPI youth can carry a weight of expectations rooted in traditions that define success through rigid gendered norms. This sense of duty may be passed along to future generations and be reinforced across communities.

Coming out is a deeply personal decision, but many LGBTQ+ AANHPIs must also contend with the impact this may have on others in their families and wider community, including:

Though LGBTQ+ acceptance has seen encouraging developments throughout Asia and the Pacific Islands, LGBTQ+ people still face stigma in many countries and cultures. Some people believe that being LGBTQ+ brings shame upon their family. It’s important to know that your LGBTQ+ identity should not be the cause of shame or pain. Pain comes from the prejudices around you, not from who you are or who you love.

As LGBTQ+ people, we strive to live our lives authentically, completely and honestly. We want our parents and other loved ones to share in our joys. To meet, accept and love our partners. To recognize us fully for our gender identities. To understand that our children are our parents’ grandchildren. We want their support and love.

Many LGBTQ+ AANHPIs are fearful that if they come out to their parents, they will be disowned, shunned or thrown out of the home. That their parents will no longer financially support them. While these are possibilities,

countless LGBTQ+ AANHPIs have come out to their parents and were not abandoned.

It is typical for an AANHPI parent to initially say, “I am not happy about it, but you are still my child.” At the same time, only you can determine when or how is the best time or way to come out to your parents. Only you can fully evaluate your own physical safety, emotional support system and financial circumstances. Although some LGBTQ+ AANHPIs are immediately accepted by their families, it is also not uncommon for coming out to family members — especially parents — to take several years. You may even need to come out multiple times.

It’s important to know that the reaction family members have at first may change over time.

Family members usually require time to work through the concerns and fears they have regarding the unfamiliar or unknown.

"When my son first came out to me, I retreated into shame, sadness and fear as a mother who failed in her most important responsibility. But I love my child and have never stopped loving him. And it is this love that has helped me process through my negative feelings to stand by Aiden and watch him successfully live his life as his true self. He makes me so proud." — Marsha Aizumi, Japanese-American mother

This process can be especially challenging for immigrant parents who were raised in places where information about LGBTQ identities was less widely available. It can be further exacerbated by language barriers that make it challenging to directly translate LGBTQ terminology and/or make it impossible to find equivalent words to describe LGBTQ identities and experiences.

Another common reaction that family members have is fear. They may be afraid that their child will suffer and be mistreated as a result of their LGBTQ+ identity.

It is important for families to know that supporting their child and providing a safe haven for them are the greatest gifts they can give to their child to build strength in the face of prejudices or challenges that their child may face in their lives.

Guilt and shame are common initial feelings among parents. Amid the confusion, and confronted with what they see as a new reality, some family members can erroneously believe that children are or “became” LGBTQ+ because they:

In the absence of comprehensive education and/or exposure to LGBTQ+ people, parents sometimes mistakenly think being LGBTQ+ is a choice, a preference or a phase.

During this sensitive time, stay strong and acknowledge their feelings, but also remember to honor and assert your own feelings. Your parents may hope that one day you will change. Over time, it is quite common for parents to move from feelings of disappointment and shame, to simple tolerance, to understanding and finally acceptance and celebration.

Many parents move beyond acceptance to fully embracing and celebrating their LGBTQ+ children, both in public and private.

Many LGBTQ+ AANHPIs are raised in Buddhist, Christian, Confucian, Hindu, Islamic, Sikh or other faith traditions, each with varying levels of LGBTQ+ acceptance and affirmation both in the United States and abroad. Moreover, millions of LGBTQ+ people are themselves people of faith or learning to reconcile their own identities with beliefs and traditions of their families and communities.

Some South Asian and Pacific traditions have long histories of scriptural inclusion of LGBTQ+ identities and multiple perspectives of god(s), goddess(es) and divine spirits. Many other faiths that were once non-affirming now recognize that to embrace LGBTQ+ people is to emphasize strong religious and spiritual values such as compassion, love and a belief to treat others how one would like to be treated.

Countless congregations openly welcome and affirm their LGBTQ+ members, including blessing their weddings and welcoming full participation in worship and religious activities.

Ultimately, only you can decide how you practice your faith — and the role that faith plays in your life with regard to your sexual orientation or gender identity. We also recognize that LGBTQ+ family acceptance is often influenced by religious beliefs or traditions and cultural contexts.

Just like any group of people, religious communities vary greatly in their attitudes and level of inclusion of LGBTQ+ people, even within the same denomination or sect.

Moreover, the number of affirming religious communities across the country is steadily increasing, and that is true among AANHPI religious communities as well. Remember, only you can decide the degree to which faith plays a role in your life and how you choose to integrate it with living an authentic life as an LGBTQ+ person.

To learn more, visit HRC’s Religion & Faith resources.

All seek the opportunity to better their lives in the U.S., to be safe from discrimination and to be free to live their full lives as LGBTQ+ people.

Many LGBTQ+ AANHPI immigrants come from countries that may be less accepting or even intolerant of LGBTQ+ people. In some countries, LGBTQ+ identities are still criminalized. In too many places, LGBTQ+ people are censored, jailed, tortured or even put to death. Others might come from conformist societies in which the LGBTQ+ community may be shunned or ostracized.

Unfortunately, some LGBTQ+ AANHPIs still encounter racial profiling when entering government buildings or boarding planes. Sometimes their gender presentation and/or perceived differences from their gender-marker on their IDs, in combination with their ethnic, racial or religious presentation, may trigger heightened scrutiny.

It is important to be vigilant and careful of potential discrimination.

It is equally important to identify supportive friends, family and community that affirm who you are, regardless of where you were born or how you choose to live out your identities.

Determining when, if and how to work through these overlapping realities — especially if they conflict — may first require identifying what is important to you personally. Indeed, the role your LGBTQ+ identity plays in relation with your AANHPI identity may vary depending on the context and your current situation.

Part of this often means engaging with bilinguality and cross-cultural communication. This may include speaking two or more languages with varying levels of regularity, whether at home, in places of worship, when among family or at community events. It can already be difficult for many people to express their sexual orientations or gender identities, especially when they are first coming out.

For those of us who must express it across multiple languages or cultures, it can be even more challenging.

For AANHPI youth who speak a primary language different from their parents, this linguistic barrier can make it even harder to express feelings or emotions. Moreover, in some languages, there may not be equivalent translations of LGBTQ+ terminology or concepts.

Just as there is no singular American or AANHPI experience,

there is no single way to live out your own ethnic or racial identity.

Especially in the absence of prominent LGBTQ+ figures in Asia and the Pacific Islands, it can sometimes feel like LGBTQ+ identities are not compatible with your AANHPI identity. Above all, know that there is no specific AANHPI “mold” you have to fit, even as you may feel pressure from your family or community. Being LGBTQ+ does not make you any less Asian, Native Hawaiian, Pacific Islander or any other national heritage or ethnic or racial identity you may hold.

“I didn’t want to come out to my mom in English. I came out to her in Urdu because I wanted her to know that coming to terms with my orientation was solely about me and not about my attending Berkeley or becoming Americanized.”

— Aleem Raja, former board member of Trikone, a San Francisco non-profit organization for LGBTQ+ people of South Asian descent

Coming Out at School

Coming out at school can be a significant decision for many young people, especially in communities or at campuses where LGBTQ+ people may not yet be fully embraced. At the same time, many school districts, colleges and universities actively and openly support their LGBTQ+ students, faculty and staff. Before deciding to come out at school, you may first consider:

• Does your city, state, school district or university have non-discrimination and anti-bullying policies to protect LGBTQ+ students, faculty and staff?
• If you are not fully out in your community or to your family, can your physical safety and privacy be guaranteed if you are out at school? For some college students who rely on their parents for financial support, you may need to carefully weigh your specific circumstances when coming out.
• Can you seek out classmates, teachers, counselors and other adults at school whom you can trust and go to for support during your coming out process?
• Does your school have a dedicated safe space or affirming organizations, including a Queer Straight Alliance, LGBTQ+ resource center or LGBTQ+ and AANHPI organizations?

For more information about this topic, please refer to Lambda Legal’s “Know Your Rights” for LGBTQ+ teens and young adults in school.

Coming Out at Work

Just as in other facets of life, being open at work can be a daunting challenge. But it can also relieve the daily stress of hiding who you are. At the same time, however, no one wants to put their job security or opportunity for advancement in jeopardy.

Before choosing to come out at work, you may first consider:

• Does your employer have a formal non-discrimination policy that specifically covers sexual orientation and/or gender identity and expression? Check the official Equal Employment Opportunity statement (usually found on the company website and in the employee handbook).

• Does your state or locality have a non-discrimination law including sexual orientation and gender identity/expression?
• Is your company ranked on the Human Rights Campaign Corporate Equality Index? If so, what rating has it earned?
• Are your employer’s health benefits fully inclusive, including covering transition-related health care and domestic partner benefits?
• What is the overall climate in your workplace, including whether other LGBTQ+ people are out in the office and whether co-workers make derogatory or supportive comments about LGBTQ+ people?

For more information about this topic, please refer to HRC’s “Coming Out at Work” and Workplace Equality resources.

Being an Ally

If you have a friend, family member or co-worker who is coming out, you can help them by being a supportive ally. However, be aware that they are the only person who can make the decision about how and when to come out with their LGBTQ+ identity.

You can help by researching and sharing culturally competent, linguistically appropriate resources; making introductions to others who are LGBTQ+ and allies; and speaking up when others make anti-LGBTQ+ jokes and gender assumptions. You can be an advocate for LGBTQ+ equality and fairness. You can speak out. Educate others, especially those for whom LGBTQ+ identities may be unfamiliar. Share information. We must all work together to build a better world that embraces diversity and personal freedom. To learn more about how you can get involved, visit HRC’s ally resources.

“Being gay and Asian in America is like fighting a two-front battle. One not only has to fight racism and homophobia in society in general but also stereotypes and lack of representation in the gay community. With more awareness of gay Asian issues, and as more Asians become involved, I have confidence that there will be victory.” — Edward Kai Chiu

Unfortunately, just as it is in any community, the LGBTQ+ community is not untouched by these issues — and as you seek love and acceptance there may be times where you may have to confront that reality.

As you choose to come out and live authentically in your own way, you may find it helpful to surround yourself with others who recognize and affirm your identities — including both AANHPI and LGBTQ+. Many LGBTQ+ people, including those who may not find full support among our families or communities of heritage, find love and support from “chosen family,” who fully embrace us for who we are.

Most importantly, know that you are not alone.

Far beyond the proud community of LGBTQ+ AANHPIs, there are many who stand with you and who will accept you for who you are.

In 2021, President Biden established the Advisory Commission on Asian Americans, Native Hawaiians, and Pacific Islanders. The Commission advises the President on ways the public, private, and non-profit sectors can work together to advance equity, justice, and opportunity for AANHPI communities. In 2023, the White House released its National Strategy to Advance Equity, Justice, and Opportunity for AA and NHPI Communities.

Taiwan, well-known for hosting the largest annual LGBTQ+ pride event in Asia, became the first country in East Asia to have marriage equality in 2019 Nepal became the second country to legalize marriage equality in 2023. Meanwhile, in Japan, several localities have begun registering LGBTQ+ partnerships, a clear sign of growing acceptance.

New Zealand has had marriage equality since 2013 and Guam became the first U.S. territory to pass marriage equality in 2015 as well as comprehensive workplace non-discrimination protections covering sexual orientation and gender identity.

In Southeast Asia, Thailand passed a Gender Equality Act in 2015 prohibiting anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination and is likely to recognize same-sex relationships in the near future. Although LGBTQ+ couples still do not have legal recognition in Vietnam, the country recently repealed a ban on performing queer marriage ceremonies.

Out elected officials and other leaders provide hope and strength for local LGBTQ+ communities, including:

Sunil Babu Pant, longtime Nepali LGBTQ+ rights and HIV activist and Asia’s first openly LGBTQ+ national-level legislator

Geraldine Roman, the first openly transgender woman elected to the Congress of the Philippines

Manvendra Singh Gohil, an openly gay prince who has been a strong advocate for LGBTQ+ rights in India and around the world

Japan’s Tomoya Hosoda, the world’s first openly transgender man elected to public office.

Groundbreaking Japanese politicians Aya Kamikawa, a transgender woman, and Taiga Ishikawa, a gay man, who have both continuously advocated for LGBTQ+ rights

Kanako Otsuji, the first openly LGBTQ+ member of the Japanese House of Representatives

Audrey Tang, the first openly transgender cabinet official to serve in Taiwan’s Executive Yuan, after she was appointed to lead the government’s digital innovation efforts

Even in countries with limited legal or political progress, emboldened activists and a growing acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities provide an optimistic outlook for the future. For instance, after Chinese social media giant Weibo announced that it would begin censoring LGBTQ+ content, a massive user-led protest by LGBTQ+ Chinese and allies led to the company reversing its decision.

At the same time, many LGBTQ+ people in Asia and the Pacific Islands continue to face discrimination and even violence, including recent waves of state-sponsored persecution in Central Asia, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Iraq and Malaysia. As LGBTQ+ AANHPIs in the United States and believers in equality, we must continue to stand with communities abroad and advocate for global LGBTQ+ equality

In 2012, Representative Mark Takano (D-CA), a career educator, became the first openly LGBTQ+ person of color elected to Congress. Georgia’s Sam Park similarly became the first openly gay man elected to the state’s general assembly in 2016. Benjamin Cruz, who made headlines for being openly gay when he was first nominated for judgeship in the 1980s, became the Speaker of the Guam Legislature in 2017. And Kim Coco Iwamoto, a descendent of World War II internees, became the nation’s highest-ranking openly transgender elected official in 2006 when she was elected to the Hawaii Board of Education.

In local communities and across the nation, we celebrate the work of advocates like Geena Rocero, Glenn Magpantay, Mia Frances Yamamoto, Sasanka Jinadasa, Jim Toy, Pauline Park, Ben de Guzman, Urooj Arshad, Cecilia Chung, Dan Choi, Mohan Sundararaj, Pabitra Benjamin, Kham Moua, SUNAH and Faisal Alam, who challenge us to question the bias, discrimination and prejudice that disproportionately affect LGBTQ+ people of color in America.

We also look to artists and writers like June Millington, Parvez Sharma, Jose Antonio Vargas, Ghalib Shiraz Dhalla, Helen Zia, Kit Yan, Terisa Siagatonu and Ocean Vuong, who share LGBTQ+ stories and intersectional perspectives through their work. Meanwhile, athletes like Esera Tuaolo, Amazin LeThi, Julie Chu and Schuyler Bailar fight for equality both inside and outside the sports arena.

Educate yourself and others. Support and resources are readily available.