Coming Out: Living Authentically as Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual+

The majority of people are straight, which refers to men who are usually romantically or sexually attracted only to women and women who are usually romantically or sexually attracted only to men.

Many straight men and women are openly attracted to and have relationships with transgender men and women. Many men who are attracted to only cisgender or transgender women consider themselves straight, as do many women who are only attracted to cisgender or trans men. Other people may be attracted to people of the same or similar genders to their own, or to more than one gender. We use many words to describe non-straight attraction — lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, queer and fluid are all commonly used labels.

Because straight people are the majority, LGB+ people are often assumed to be straight unless they indicate otherwise. Some LGB+ people may indicate their sexuality through their outward expression, such as tattoos, clothes or accessories with LGB+ symbols. Others may casually mention their LGB+ identity when it comes up in conversation.

Still others may formally “come out” and disclose their LGB+ identity to those important to them. While we strive for a world where straight identities aren’t assumed to be the norm, the coming out process remains a common experience for LGB+ people. In this resource, you will find advice for safely and comfortably coming out.

Every day, each and every one of us makes deeply personal decisions about how open we want to be with ourselves and with others about our non-straight sexuality, to whom we want to open up, and when and where we want to open up to them. Each of us comes out in our own way and in our own time. Throughout the process of coming out and living ever more openly, you should always be in the driver’s seat about whether, how, where, when and with whom you choose to be open.

This resource was designed to help you and your loved ones through the coming out process in realistic and practical terms. It acknowledges that the experience of coming out and living openly covers the full spectrum of human emotion — from paralyzing fear to unbounded euphoria.

We hope this resource helps you meet the challenges and opportunities that living openly offers to each of us.

Lesbian: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Many lesbian women are also sexually and romantically attracted to trans women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

Gay: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Many gay men are sexually and romantically attracted to trans men, and many gay women are sexually and romantically attracted to trans women. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

Bisexual: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population – according to a 2021 Gallup poll, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ+ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.

Queer: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities.

For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else; for them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive. Still others may use queer to define themselves as a reflection of their own non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.

Monosexual: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of only one gender.

Pansexual: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with omnisexual, queer, bisexual.

Fluid: A term people often use to describe their sexual orientation if their orientation changes with time, or if their orientation has the potential to change with time.

Do I know what I want to say?

Many people are still answering tough questions for themselves and are not ready to identify as LGB+, especially at the beginning of the disclosure or coming out process. Others may know they are LGB+ without knowing exactly what that means to themselves or to others. That’s ok. Maybe you just want to tell someone that you’re starting to ask yourself these questions. Even if you don’t yet have all the answers, your feelings and your safety are what matter. To work out what you want to communicate, try writing down ideas or a script, meditating, and brainstorming.

How can I tell others?

There are many ways you can tell others about being LGB+. You may choose to have a conversation, either in person or on the phone. You may write to people via letter, email or text. Some people decide to live openly and not tell others until they notice or decide to ask.

If you just want to tell someone, but don't necessarily want to immediately engage in a discussion or conversation, it may be helpful to write out what you want to say and send it to them via email or text message. That way, if they respond, you can choose when and how to read and engage with their response.

Who should I tell first?

Who you disclose to first can be a critical decision. You may want to select people who you suspect will be most supportive, as their support can help you share with others. Consider who might be your champion — is it a close friend or colleague, your favorite teacher or professor, a parent or sibling, or another trusted person in your life? Is it someone else in your life who also identifies as LGB+?

At the same time, know that this kind of news can travel quickly – even between the most well-intentioned people. If you’d prefer that people keep your news confidential, be sure to tell them so. It’s also important to plan for the chance that someone, intentionally or not, may share your news with others before you have the chance to do so yourself. That being said, don’t be discouraged. Set the boundaries that make the most sense to you and try to do things at your own pace, no matter what that pace may be.

What kinds of signals am I getting?

Sometimes you can get a sense of how accepting people will be by the things they say. You may notice the way people talk about LGBQ+ characters in movies or TV shows, or they may share their involvement in LGBTQ+ rights organizations with you. While these signs are important and encouraging, remember that some people may not react in the way that you expect. The most LGBTQ+ friendly person in the office may react negatively, while the person who said something insensitive about gay people might end up being your strongest supporter. Be sure to keep an open mind, and gravitate toward those who support you — especially those doing so with open arms and no qualms.

Am I well-informed and willing to answer questions?

People’s reactions to the news that you’re LGB+ can depend largely on how much information they have about LGB+ issues and how much they feel they can ask. While more and more people are becoming familiar and accepting of LGB+ people, and understanding of sexual identity, others may still have questions.

It is never your responsibility or duty to educate others about LGB+ people or issues in general. Nor is it ever your responsibility or duty to respond to someone who is being homophobic or biphobic or reacts negatively to your disclosure. However, if you are open to answering questions asked in good faith, and feel well equipped to answer more general (rather than personal) questions, and feel comfortable and safe doing so, it can go a long way toward helping others understand LGB+ identities. Some helpful facts and frequently asked questions can be found later in this resource to help get you started. If you prefer to just send a couple articles or books to people in your life, that’s ok too. See the end of this resource for ideas.

Is this a good time?

Timing is key, and choosing the right time is up to you.

Consider whether this is a good time for the other person to hear it: Be aware of the mood, priorities, stresses and problems of those to whom you would like to come out. If they’re dealing with their own major life concerns, they may not be able to respond to your disclosure constructively.

Consider whether this is a good time for you to say it, and deal with any potential reactions: It may never feel like the right time to come out. Come out when it feels best for you and when the person you are coming out to is in a position to receive that information.

Can I be patient?

Just as it may have taken you time to come to terms with being LGB+, some people will need time to think things over after you disclose that news to them. The reason you’ve chosen to be open with these people is that you care about them or that you found it necessary. You may disclose to a range of people — family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, medical providers, faith leaders or others — and their reactions may vary. Those closest to you may have some of the strongest reactions — both positive and negative — and affect you the most. Sometimes their support will only reveal itself over time. Other times, important people in your life may never provide you with adequate support and recognition of your sexuality. No matter how anyone in your life chooses to react, your sexuality is valid and there are people who will support you.

Is it safe to disclose to those closest to me?

If you have any doubt at all as to your safety, carefully weigh your risks and options for disclosure. LGB+ people may face bullying and harassment or even be forced out of their homes by unsupportive family members, landlords and housemates. Others may face physical violence that can even be fatal. If you are under age 18 or financially dependent on your parents or caregivers, the decision to disclose should be made very carefully.

Knowing this, some LGB+ people choose to disclose being LGB+ in a safe space with friends by their sides. Others may relocate to a safe location, often with the help of other LGBTQ+ people and our allies. Even if you feel alone, know that there is a large community of LGBTQ+ people and our allies who will welcome you with open arms. Please, hold on.

Is it safe to disclose at work?

In 2020, the Supreme Court of the United States issued a decision in Bostock v. Clayton County, Georgia that makes it clear that discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity is prohibited under the federal employment non-discrimination law known as Title VII.

In addition, many private businesses and companies, as well as states and localities have laws protecting LGB+ people from employment discrimination. That being said, LGB+ people are still highly vulnerable to violence, harassment and discrimination. As a result, disclosure to someone could have real costs. However you decide to come out, it is important to know your rights and find allies who can support you.

What do I do if someone reacts badly?

Not everyone will react positively. This is an unfortunate fact of being LGB+. Our world is changing, but not everyone is there yet. Just as when you change careers, change religions or move to a different city, you may lose friends when you disclose — and they may not be the ones you expected. What’s important is that you know your truth, and that you don’t let other peoples’ uninformed opinions direct your own narrative. You know who you are, and that is enough. It will be hard, but many more people will accept you than you may expect. Focus your energy on them because they are the ones that are worth it.

What if someone outs me before I’m ready?

If someone shares information about your identity before you are ready, it is important to try to find ways to take back control of your own narrative. If it’s safe, you can speak to the person who outed you to let them know that what they did was not ok. You can also speak to the person to whom you were outed, so you can tell them in your own words and let them know who it is and isn’t ok to tell. It can also be helpful to develop a support system of people you are out to, so they can help you in times like these. Please see the end of this resource for a list of organizations that may also be able to support you.

Telling Partners and Spouses

One reason that LGB+ people may not disclose being LGB+ is the fear of how partners or spouses will react. Before disclosing to a partner or spouse, it’s important to remember that they may need time and patience — just as you’d expect time and patience while working through your own feelings. Counseling can be helpful to many relationships, as can talking with other people who have been through similar situations.

At the end of the day, things may not work out between you and your partner(s) or spouse after you come out to them. Just remember that this does not mean anything is wrong with you. Every relationship has a different dynamic and different needs, and sometimes peoples’ lives move in different directions. Although this can be a difficult situation to deal with, your sexual orientation will forever and always remain valid.

Telling Your Children

There’s no one right or wrong way to have this conversation. Coming out to your children can seem a daunting task. Depending on their ages, you may be worried about them rejecting you or about their safety if your sexuality is made public.

If you have a co-parent, you may want to have the conversation together, if that’s possible. Or you might find that bringing a grandparent or other supportive family member into the conversation is a good idea. Your children may have questions that they feel more comfortable asking someone else for fear of hurting your feelings. Older children, especially, may need more time to think about the news you’ve shared with them before they’re ready to talk.

It may be helpful to arrange a family counseling session to sort through feelings. Giving your children the ability to talk to other children of LGB+ parents can be enormously helpful. Regardless of how the situation proceeds, it is important to remain open and honest throughout this process and have faith that your children will understand.

For Family and Friends of LGB+ People

If your family member or friend has come out to you as LGB+, you may be wondering how to respond. Everyone does so differently. You might be confused and have questions, relieved to know what’s been on your loved one’s mind, or hurt that they didn’t tell you sooner. You may feel a mixture of all three of these emotions, or many others. You may not even understand what it is that you’re feeling.

Regardless of how you’re feeling, it’s helpful if you can reassure your family member or friend that your feelings for them have not suddenly disappeared. Let them know you will do your best to support them. It’s ok to tell them you love them and that it’s going to take some time to learn and adjust. In the end, knowing that you still care is what matters most to your friend or family member.

If you have questions for your family member or friend, first ask if they are open to answering questions. While many people will be, not all may want to do so. If they indicate that they are open to questions, be respectful. Recognize that your LGB+ loved ones are not your dictionaries and do your part to educate yourself. Don’t ask them to speak for an entire community of diverse experiences and perspectives. Many of the answers you are looking for can be found in a range of books, documentaries, websites and support groups — both online and in many cities and towns across the country. See the end of this resource for ideas.

ALLY: A term used to describe someone who is actively supportive of LGBTQ+ people. It encompasses straight and cisgender allies, as well as those within the LGBTQ+ community who support each other (e.g., a lesbian who is an ally to the bisexual+ community).

ASEXUAL: Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

BIPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to more than one gender.

BISEXUAL: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population–according to Gallup, in 2021, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ+ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.

FLUID: A term people often use to describe their sexual orientation if their orientation changes with time, or if their orientation has the potential to change with time.

GAY: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

GENDER-EXPANSIVE: Conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender identity and/or expression than typically associated with the binary (male/female) gender system. Often used as an umbrella term when referring to young people still exploring the possibilities of their gender identities.

GENDER IDENTITY: One’s innermost concept of self as man, woman, a blend of both or neither – how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different from the sex assigned at birth.

HOMOPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to members of the same gender.

LESBIAN: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

LGBTQ+: Stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and more.” Many people and organizations use “LGBTQ” as a catch-all term for the non-cisgender and non-straight community, but the acronym varies depending on culture and style. For example, some groups may add “I” for intersex (LGBTQI), “2” for two-spirit (LGBQT2) or “A” for asexual (LGBTQA). HRC uses LGBTQ+, with the plus sign representing all of the many identities on the queer spectrum.

MONOSEXUAL: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of only one gender.

PANSEXUAL: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with omnisexual, queer, or bisexual.

QUEER: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/ umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities. For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else. For them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive, or who themselves are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. Still others may use queer to define their gender /gender identity, reflecting those who do not identify as exclusively straight and/or folks who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.

SAME-GENDER LOVING: A term some prefer to use to express attraction to and love of people of the same gender.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Term used to describe one’s overall inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to other people. Essentially, it is who you are ‘oriented’ towards. Note: an individual’s sexual orientation is independent of their gender identity.

SEXUAL IDENTITY: The label one uses for their sexual orientation. Essentially, it is the term you use to indicate your sexual orientation, to yourself and to the world. While most people who use a specific sexual identity (e.g., lesbian) use it to refer to a specific sexual orientation (e.g., a woman who is attracted to other women), others may use different identity labels to describe that same sexual orientation—and others still may use the same identity label to convey different sexual orientations.

The Trevor Helpline 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (online chat available) (800) 273-8255

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25) (800) 246-7743

Crisis Text Line Text START to 741-741

Trans Lifeline (877) 565-8860

State HIV & AIDS Hotlines