Coming Out: Living Authentically as Black LGBTQ+ People

Before coming out, it is important to evaluate your unique circumstances and create a safe space for yourself. Look for supportive people you can turn to during times of need, especially if you believe you may face disapproval or rejection from your family, friends or community. Depending on your individual situation, pick a place and time to come out that makes you feel the most comfortable and safe.

Be aware that LGBTQ+ people who live openly face discrimination and even violence. This is especially true for Black LGBTQ+ people who face increased discrimination at the intersection of white supremacy, anti-Blackness and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes. These systems of oppression have real consequences: Black LGBTQ+ people face some of the highest risks of violence, workplace discrimination, homelessness, HIV and AIDS, and healthcare disparities and mistreatment in America.

Coming out is a process in which you transition from living privately or discretely to being more visible in your identity — and there is no one way to do it. Some LGBTQ+ people choose to only come out to certain people in their lives, while others do so to everyone. Coming out as LGBTQ+ should be done on your terms and at your pace. No matter what your journey looks like, seek out resources and support from those who affirm your identity.

Remember, you are not alone:

Across the United States, the strong community of Black LGBTQ+ people, family members and allies support you and love you exactly as you are.

We hope that the stories of courage and authenticity shared in this resource can inspire you and provide strength and perseverance should you face roadblocks during your journey. Refer to our special section on Black LGBTQ+ History and Culture to learn more about the community’s proud heritage.

Unfortunately, the lack of familiarity and exposure to LGBTQ+ people may lead some family members to mistakenly believe that being LGBTQ+ is wrong or invalid. Embracing a child’s or relative’s LGBTQ+ identity can be challenging for those raised in places, religions or cultures that supported homophobia, biphobia and transphobia, or where information about LGBTQ+ identities was less widely available. Language or cultural barriers can also make it challenging to directly discuss or even translate language related to LGBTQ+ identities and experiences.

Another common reaction that family members may have is fear. Some family members who you might have assumed were supportive of LGBTQ+ people may seem cold when you share your LGBTQ+ identity with them.

They may be afraid that you will suffer and be mistreated as a result of who you are or they may act irrationally toward you. In the case of an irrational reaction, remember that your safety comes first. In instances where there is space for learning and dialogue, remind your family members that supporting you and providing a safe haven is the greatest gift they can give in the face of prejudice and challenges.

When considering if, when or how to come out to your family members, consider the full range of reactions that could arise from disclosing your LGBTQ+ identity, especially if you are financially dependent on any of them. Most importantly, remember that your LGBTQ+ identity is valid, regardless of your family’s understanding or acceptance.

Determining when, if and how to work through these overlapping realities — especially if they seem to conflict — can be challenging.

Though it is impossible to separate your identities — you are always whole — it may seem like you need to lean more or less into certain identities based on your context, safety and comfort. This is often referred to as code-switching, or contextually altering your behavior, speech or expression in order to protect yourself from discriminatory outcomes. Code-switching describes the use of different dialects, accents, language combinations and mannerisms within social groups in order to project a particular identity.

It’s important to remember that how you live should not be defined by others’ beliefs about how you “should” or “should not” behave based on your gender identity and/or sexual orientation.

Depending on your situation, this may be difficult to manage if such beliefs are reinforced by your family, peers or community. However, you will likely find that it gets easier to navigate these interactions over time, especially as you gain a greater sense of self and better understand what values are truly important to you.

Your intersectional identity* can mean speaking multiple languages and engaging in cross-cultural communication, being both Black and LGBTQ+, or code-switching. Expressing your sexual orientation or gender identity is difficult for many people, especially when they are first coming out. Conveying these complex feelings and emotions across cultural or language barriers can be even more challenging.

_{*“intersectional identity” is explained in the following section}

Over 59% of Black Americans say that religion is very important to them and 63% pray daily. About 75% of adult Black Americans identify as Christian, including historically Black Protestant, evangelical Protestant, mainline Protestant, Catholic and others.(2) In addition, there are many Black people who practice Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, many other forms of religion and spirituality.

More than half of Black people in the United States belong to a historically Black Protestant faith. The historically Black church has long served as a unifying force for many Black people in the United States, functioning both as a place of catharsis and hope dating back to enslavement, and as a place of mobilization and political power. However, it has also served as a place of trauma for many Black LGBTQ+ people.

It may feel difficult to reconcile religious beliefs with your LGBTQ+ identity. However, millions of LGBTQ+ people are people of faith and many religious communities and denominations that were once non-affirming now recognize that embracing LGBTQ+ people is in line with the strong religious and spiritual values of compassion, love and the commitment to treat others how they would like to be treated. The number of affirming religious communities across the country is steadily increasing.

It is important to recognize that even if you are able to reconcile your faith and LGBTQ+ identity, your family or community may still have difficulty accepting your sexual orientation or gender identity because of their own religious beliefs or traditions.

Even if your school is relatively LGBTQ+ inclusive, it is still important to consider the ways in which homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, racism and anti-Blackness may be institutionalized into your program. Things like increased police presence or bias-ridden disciplinary policies contribute to the “school-to-prison pipeline,” which disproportionately and unfairly pushes LGBTQ+ youth of color out of school and into disciplinary settings. Furthermore, racial biases, pressure to perform, tokenism, Eurocentric education and a lack of support make it challenging for Black LGBTQ+ people to thrive on campuses across the country. Several states have also issued bans on teaching Black history through attacks on “Critical Race Theory” and on LGBTQ+ subjects through “Don’t Say LGBTQ+” laws.

It is important to identify spaces, educators, and peers within or around your educational system that provide you the space to live in your identity. This could be a club, class, organization, group of friends or a single teacher. Having an educational environment where you know that your racial, ethnic and LGBTQ+ identity is affirmed can make a huge difference in your safety and well-being. But always remember: Coming out at school should be your own personal decision made at your own pace and should never threaten your safety.

For more information about this topic, please refer to Lambda Legal’s Know Your Rights for LGBTQ+ students.

Just as in other facets of life, being out at work can be a daunting challenge. This is especially true for Black LGBTQ+ people — research details the magnified negative impact of both racism and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes on Black LGBTQ+ workers. Black LGBTQ+ people face some of the highest rates of unwarranted background checks, hiring biases, unequal pay, lack of mentorship and advancement, workplace discrimination and harassment on the job.

No one wants to put their job security, economic stability or opportunity for advancement in jeopardy. However, if it’s at all a possibility for you, coming out can relieve some of the daily stress of hiding who you are.

Before choosing to come out at work, consider:

• Does your employer have a formal non-discrimination policy that specifically covers race, sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression? Check the official Equal Employment Opportunity statement (usually found on company websites and in employee handbooks) to ensure that the non-discrimination policy covers all of your identities.

• Does your state or locality have a non-discrimination law that includes sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression?
• Is your company ranked on the HRC Corporate Equality Index? If so, what rating has it earned? • Are your employer’s health benefits fully LGBTQ+-inclusive, including covering transition-related health care and domestic partner benefits?
• Does your employer have LGBTQ+ or Black employee networks or resource groups? If so, these may be good places to get support.
• What is the overall climate in your workplace, including whether other LGBTQ+ people are out and how co-workers talk about LGBTQ+ people
• What is the overall climate in your workplace regarding representation in leadership positions and in the workforce? How do others talk about the Black community and Black individuals?

For more information about this topic, please refer to HRC’s Coming Out at Work and Workplace Equality resources.

Ally is not just a noun — it’s also a verb. Being an ally or advocate to any oppressed community means actively showing up, giving support and educating those around you without the expectation of receiving something in return. Allyship and advocacy go hand in hand.

We all have a critical role to play in dismantling the systems of oppression that continue to actively and passively discriminate against Black LGBTQ+ people in all areas of life.

Allies can help people coming out feel safe by researching and sharing culturally competent, linguistically appropriate resources, making introductions to others who are LGBTQ+ allies and speaking up when others make anti-LGBTQ+ jokes and gender assumptions.

However, be aware that each person must make their own decisions about how and when to come out about their LGBTQ+ identity. No one should share that information for anyone else unless asked explicitly to do so.

Anyone can be an advocate for LGBTQ+ equality and fairness. Speak out, share information and educate others, especially those for whom LGBTQ+ identities may be unfamiliar.

Do not assume that just because a space is said to be LGBTQ+-inclusive, it is inclusive of all LGBTQ+ people. Homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, white supremacy, racism and anti-Blackness manifest in various ways within LGBTQ+ communities, spaces and organizations. We all must draw attention to and educate others about the micro and macro ways in which racism, discrimination and double standards present for Black LGBTQ+ people. To learn more about how you can get involved, visit HRC’s ally resources.

Many different cultures have long documented same-sex interactions and gender-expansive traditions, including:

In Nigeria, the Yan Daudu were individuals assigned male at birth who dressed in traditionally feminine garb and were accepted in northern Muslim regions.

In Kenya, the Meru had a leadership role called Mugawe which included wearing clothing and hairstyles typically reserved for women and could include formal marriage to a man. Similar roles existed among the Hutu and Tutsi peoples of Burundi and Rwanda.

The Dutch military met Nzinga in 1640, who succeeded her brother as the ngola, or “king.” She dressed in king’s garments and was referred to as King in what is present day Angola.

Senegalese Gor Digen were a group of individuals assigned male at birth who dressed as women and were viewed as a crucial part of the community.

In Burkina Faso, the Dagaaba people believed that men who had sex with men were able to bridge the human and spirit worlds through meditation.

In Egypt, the Khawal were individuals assigned male at birth who dressed in traditionally feminine clothing to entertain people with songs and dance.

There are 5,000-year-old Indigenous Bushman works of art on southern African rocks and cave walls that depict same-sex intimacy between men.

In Southern Ethiopia, the Maale people documented a small group of men protected by the king who carried out traditionally feminine roles and tasks, and had sexual relationships with men.

In Uganda, there were highly-respected religious roles where those assigned male at birth dressed in traditionally feminine clothing.

Some of these communities, traditions and roles are still present in many parts of Africa today. However, colonization had a large negative effect on the expression of sexuality and gender in many parts of Africa, particularly through the criminalization of queer intimacy and relations.

Roles, communities and expressions that were once well-known and respected may now seem to conflict with the modern misconception that queerness and gender-expansiveness are “not African.”

In reality, queerness is inextricably tied to Blackness and African culture and history— it is an integral part of the past, present and future.

Films like The Color Purple, The Watermelon Woman, Tongues United, Paris Is Burning, Set It Off and Young Soul Rebels were instrumental in depicting parts of Black LGBTQ+ identities, experiences and truths in the 1980s and 1990s. The 1990s were neither the beginning nor the end of Black LGBTQ+ visibility in film, however, and recent years have provided us with films such as Blackbird, Tangerine, Pariah, I am Not Your Negro,The Skinny, Bessie, Naz & Maalik, Kiki, Brother to Brother and Punks. In 2017, Moonlight won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

More and more television shows are featuring Black LGBTQ+ characters and storylines. Shows like Sense8, Dear White People, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, True Blood, Master of None, Orange Is the New Black, Pretty Little Liars, Empire, The L Word, Arrow, Queen Sugar, Noah’s Arc, Pose, The Handmaid’s Tale, Looking, Cucumber, Glee, Six Feet Under, Black Mirror, RuPaul’s Drag Race,

Sex Education, The Wire, Black Lighting, The Bold Type, UnREAL, This Is Us, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Shameless, The Fosters, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Queer Eye and Riverdale feature Black LGBTQ+ talent, characters, storylines and experiences.

Recently, Janet Mock became the first transgender woman to sign an overall deal with Netflix to write and direct content. Pose was also the first show to have a predominantly Black transgender and queer cast on network television.

Black LGBTQ+ people have been trailblazers in film and television, telling narratives that have always existed but have never been told. It’s important that the next generation of Black LGBTQ+ creatives continue to have this space to grow and expand in storytelling until their stories are the norm and not the exception.