Report

Being an LGBTQ+ Ally


Human Rights Campaign Foundation, Updated October 2022 | 25 Minute Read.

Introduction

As our world becomes more accepting of broader and more diverse identities, you may have questions about how you can better support the LGBTQ+ community, or what LGBTQ+ even stands for.

Every person has their own journey in understanding what it means to support LGBTQ+ people, whether you’re LGBTQ+ or not. We hope this resource can help you begin that journey.

You might be reading this resource because you want to provide guidance for LGBTQ+ people in your role as a teacher, counselor or religious leader. Maybe your child, best friend or parent just came out to you, and you have no idea what that means. Maybe you’re already a member of the LGBTQ+ community, and you want to make sure you’re supporting all of the parts of the community that you can. Or maybe you’re reading this resource because you’re just trying to be a better ally. No matter what brought you here, you have come to the right place.

This resource is designed to help build understanding and comfort. If you are new to LGBTQ+ issues, we will answer many of your questions. Or, if you have known LGBTQ+ people for years and are looking to find new ways to show your support, you can skim this resource and take the pieces that are relevant to you. It’s ok to not know everything — we’re here to help.

The Human Rights Campaign Foundation hopes this resource can help you build understanding of LGBTQ+ identities and issues, and that you can use this newfound knowledge to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. Thank you for reading. We’re glad you’re here.


What is LGBTQ+?

We’ll start with the basics: what does LGBTQ+ stand for?

LGBTQ+ stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer and more.” Many people and organizations use “LGBTQ+” as a catch-all term for the non-cisgender and non-straight community, but the acronym varies depending on culture and style. For example, some groups may add “I” for intersex (LGBTQI), “2” for two-spirit (LGBQT2) or “A” for asexual or aromantic (LGBTQA). HRC uses LGBTQ+, with the plus sign representing all of the many identities on the queer spectrum.

We Have Multiple Identities

Being lesbian, gay or bisexual refers to a person’s sexual orientation, or who they are attracted to. Being transgender refers to a person’s gender identity, or their internal sense of gender. People may refer to themselves as queer if their sexual orientation and/or gender identity is outside of the mainstream. These labels are not mutually exclusive. For example, a person can be a transgender woman and a lesbian — a woman who was assigned male at birth and is attracted to other women. This person might also refer to themselves as queer because their sexual orientation and gender identity are counter to the mainstream.

Every single person has their own sexual identity and sexual orientation, and there is no right or wrong way to define either. While most people who use a specific sexual identity (e.g., lesbian) use it to refer to a specific sexual orientation (e.g., a woman who is attracted to other women), others may use different identity labels to describe that same sexual orientation—and others still may use the same identity label to convey different sexual orientations.

Similarly, everyone’s gender journey is unique, and the ways one person may define their gender and gender identity, and/or choose to express or present their gender, may not match with what is listed below. You should not make assumptions about a transgender or non-binary person’s transition goals, feelings of gender dysphoria, current anatomy, experience with misogyny or how they were socialized growing up based on their gender identity, and/or assigned sex at birth.

It is also important to keep in mind, that everyone has their own gender and sexual identity journeys.

Here is what the letters traditionally stand for:

L - Lesbian: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

G - Gay: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

B - Bisexual: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population–according to Gallup, in 2021, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.

T - Transgender: An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. Do not use the term “transgendered,” even as an adjective, as it is considered outdated and incorrect. Instead, consider using “transgender people,” “transgender person,” “trans people” or “trans person.”

Q - Queer: Queer: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/ umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities. For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else; for them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive. Still others may use queer to define themselves as a reflection of their own non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.

Here are some other important definitions to remember:

Sex assigned at birth: A person’s sex assigned at birth, usually male or female, is the designation that a doctor or midwife uses to describe a child at birth based on their external anatomy. Since this sex assignment occurs in infancy, and is decided by doctors and midwives rather than the person it applies to, it may not reflect a person’s own understanding of their gender, their gender identity or their sex as they grow and mature.

Non-binary: Describes a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. A non-binary person may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or completely outside these categories. While many non-binary people also identify as transgender, not all do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

Intersex: Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. There is a wide variety of difference among intersex variations, including differences in genitalia, chromosomes, gonads, internal sex organs, hormone production, hormone response, and/or secondary sex traits.

Asexual: Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

Cisgender: A term used to describe a person whose gender identity aligns with the sex recorded for them at birth.

A Bit of History

Being LGBTQ+ is nothing new. Documentation of LGBTQ+ people dates back to the start of written history, and we’ve existed across the globe. Here are a few examples:

  • According to some records, same-sex relationships were widely accepted in several regions of the country among indigenous communities in North America.
  • In South Asia, the term Hijra includes transgender, intersex and non-binary people. These individuals, who have been well documented since antiquity, are officially recognized today by governments in Bangladesh, India, Nepal and Pakistan.
  • In China, the Golden Orchid Society (Jinglanhui) was a women’s organization that celebrated “passionate friendships” and embraced same-sex relationships between women during the Qing dynasty (1644-1912). Additionally, many regard Guanyin, the Chinese Goddess of Mercy, to be a transgender deity.
  • In Senegal, Gor-Digen were a group of individuals assumed male at birth who dressed as women and were viewed as a crucial part of the community.
  • In Peru, archaeological discoveries of several erotic ceramics led scholars to study the role of same-sex relationships in the Moche community, a pre-Inca civilization.

In the United States, LGBTQ+ people have reached major milestones in the past 50 years, often credited to the work of transgender women of color in the Stonewall riots of 1969, coming on the heels of earlier LGBTQ+ uprisings including Compton’s Cafeteria in 1966 and the Black Cat protests in 1967. You can learn more about Stonewall and the past 100 years of LGBTQ+ rights in the United States here.

Much has changed for LGBTQ+ people in the U.S. since 1969. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ has been overturned — allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals to serve openly in the military. Marriage equality is the law of the land. And employment discrimination against LGBTQ+ people has been recognized by the Supreme Court as illegal.

That being said, we still have a long way to go. LGBTQ+ people are still targets of violence, with Black transgender women losing their lives to fatal violence at alarming rates. LGBTQ+ people can be denied services in many states, ranging from homeless youth programs and veterans services to shopping centers and taxi cabs. And too many LGBTQ+ people are subject to so-called “reparative,” “exploratory” or “conversion” therapy, a dangerous practice that targets LGBTQ+ youth and falsely seeks to change their sexual orientation or gender identity.

By pushing for LGBTQ+ acceptance and equality, we can make the world a better place for LGBTQ+ people. Through the very act of reading this resource, you are showing an interest and determination in making the world a better place for LGBTQ+ people. Thank you for joining us.

Understanding Identity

Using data from 2015-2017, The Williams Institute estimated there were approximately 11.3 million LGBTQ+ adults living in the United States, and an additional 2 million LGBTQ+ youth ages 13-17. Since then, the proportion of people identifying as LGBTQ+ has continued to increase–meaning this estimate is likely an undercount. As of 2021, Gallup estimates that 7.1% of US adults identify as LGBTQ+ (compared to 4.5% in the 2017 data used by The Williams Institute). In 2019, over 11% of high school aged youth on the YRBS identified as lesbian or gay (2.5%) or bisexual (8.7%), and 1.4% identified as transgender.

No identity exists on its own, including LGBTQ+ identities. People aren’t just gay or just transgender — they are a combination of many identities, such as a bisexual, Black, middle-class woman, or a young, white, poor transgender man.

Therefore, it is impossible to characterize the lives of any one category of LGBTQ+ people. We cannot say “all lesbians like x” or “all non-binary people hate y.” The only way that we can know anything for sure about individuals is by asking them. Let them tell you their own story instead of creating one for them.


When Someone Comes Out To You

For a lot of people, learning that someone they know and care about is part of the LGBTQ+ community can open a range of emotions, from confused to concerned, awkward to honored. It may be hard to know how to react, what to say, or how you can best be supportive. In this section, we will break down the idea and act of coming out in a way that can help you understand what to do next.

What is Coming Out?

Coming out is understood by many to mean the act of disclosing one’s non-straight sexuality or non-cisgender gender identity to others. It is a term that has only come to be commonly used in the past 100 years, originally referring to gay men “coming out” into gay society in the 1930s. Now, the tradition has evolved, and coming out refers to the process by which an individual tells people in their life about their gender identity and/or sexual orientation.

Coming out is often framed in media and culture as a necessary step to acceptance and well-being. But for some, coming out may be worse than holding that information in. It is important not to pressure anyone to come out, as the timing of that decision rests solely with the person coming out and what feels right to them.

Likewise, who a person comes out to is a decision to be made only by the person coming out. There are countless factors considered when deciding who to come out to, so it is important to not take it personally if someone does not come out to you. Remember that it is not about you — it’s about them — so respect their decision and know that they will share that information with you if and when the time is right.

You may be able to indicate that it is safe to come out to you by publicly showing your support for LGBTQ+ people and issues.

“Coming Out” vs “Inviting In”

“Coming out” has been the common term for someone who acknowledges being LGBTQ+, and it is used throughout this resource. However, it is important to note that this language centers those that someone is coming out to, rather than the person coming out. It can give the impression that LGBTQ+ people are hiding something from society, rather than acknowledging how homophobia, biphobia and transphobia create an unwelcoming environment. When publicly identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community, someone is inviting people into a part of their life, which should be protected and celebrated. We ask you to think about the perspective of “inviting in,” and consider also using language about being invited in to learn about someone’s identity.

Having Conversations

Having conversations about life as an LGBTQ+ person may feel strange at first, especially if these aren’t conversations you’re used to. It is normal to feel a little awkward, or to be a little afraid of saying the “wrong thing” and making it “weird.”

Here are some ways to help start an open dialogue:

Ask respectful questions to show you are interested:

  • What was it like growing up?
  • How did you know it was the right time to come out?
  • What has the coming out process been like for you?
  • How are you holding up?
  • What can I do to support you?
  • How would you like me to refer to you?
  • Have you told anyone else?
  • Would you like me to keep this between us?

Be honest:

  • Tell them that this is new for you — and if you feel awkward, say so.
  • Ask them to be honest with you if something you say or do makes them uncomfortable.
  • Be as open and honest as you would like them to be with you.
  • Tell them if you need a little time to process the information.

Be reassuring:

  • Explain to them that revealing their sexual orientation or gender identity has not changed how you feel about them, even if it takes a little while for you to digest what they have told you.
  • Remind them that you still care for and respect them as much as you ever have or more.

A NOTE ON OUTING

Most LGBTQ+ people prefer to come out in their own ways and in their own time. Unfortunately, an LGBTQ+ person’s sexual orientation or gender identity may be exposed without their knowledge or consent. “Outing” takes the decision-making out of the individual’s hands, which can be painful, awkward and even harmful for everyone involved.

If someone has not come out to you, do not assume that they do not trust or care for you. The person may not be ready, may not feel safe, or may still be coming to terms with their own sexual orientation or gender identity.

Showing your support, acceptance and respect for an LGBTQ+ person who has been outed can help the healing process and may help both of you build a stronger, more genuine relationship.

Dealing With Your Feelings

Now you have some sense of what it feels like to come out to others, but what about how you feel?

Straight and/or cisgender people who have just had someone come out to them have reported feeling:

Honored that someone has chosen to entrust them with this revelation:

“It was a cool moment. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. You only share something like this with people who matter.”
— Sharon, a sister, Wyoming


Accepting and dedicated:

“You shouldn’t build a relationship on whether you are gay or straight. True friendship is not based on that.”
— Chris, a college friend, Idaho


Curious about what life is like for LGBTQ+ people:

“Why? How? You ask those questions.”
— Brandon, a dad, Oregon

Apprehensive or uncomfortable:

“The unknown causes you to pull back.”
— Donna, a co-worker, Florid


Disapproving of the perceived “lifestyle”:

“I never ask him about it — I don’t accept it.”
— Steve, an uncle, Maine


Anxious for the well-being of the LGBTQ+ person:

“What are you supposed to do? How are we supposed to act? I get angry at how the world will treat him.”
— Amy, a mom, Texas

You may feel many of these seemingly contradictory emotions at once, leaving you feeling uncertain.

Feeling confused or uncomfortable doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are homophobic, biphobic or transphobic. It does mean, however, that you should take the time to work through your feelings, on your own, fully and honestly so that you can reach a place of support for your friend, loved one or acquaintance without reservation.

It is important to remember that this individual who came out to you is searching for support and acceptance. Before you begin to ask questions to settle your own uncertainty about the situation, it is key that you make the other person feel that they made the right decision to come out to you. You might respond by saying, “Thank you for being honest” or “I appreciate your trust.”

Then, use your emotions as the basis for an honest conversation. Ask the questions you need to ask. Have a real talk. And when it’s over, you’re likely to find that your relationship is stronger and richer than ever.

For People of Faith

After a friend or loved one has come out to you, you might find yourself needing, and perhaps struggling, to come out as a person of faith who supports LGBTQ+ rights.

While an ethic of justice, inclusion and radical love is at the core of every religion, and many denominations and faith traditions are open and welcoming of LGBTQ+ people, there are many others that are not. If you come from a religious background that teaches that non-straight sexual orientations or gender variance are wrong or immoral, look back to your texts and history and take time to learn from people of faith who have become allies because of their faith, not despite it. You may also visit HRC’s religion and faith resource page and Straight for Equality’s faith communities page for more guidance in this process..

If you come from a more affirming tradition, challenge yourself, your congregation and your community leaders to take the next steps in building an even more supportive spiritual home for LGBTQ+ people of faith. You might be surprised to find your own faith deepened and your community strengthened by your actions.

Ways to Show Your Support

There are many different ways that you can show your support for the LGBTQ+ people in your life. There is no one “right” way to do so.

Here are some easy ways to demonstrate support that fit naturally into most people’s lives:

When socializing with straight, cisgender friends and family

  • Create social settings that bring your straight, cisgender and LGBTQ+ friends and family together.
  • Find opportunities to talk openly with your straight and/or cisgender friends about your LGBTQ+ friends and family and the issues they face.
  • Casually mention a news item about an LGBTQ+ issue in a positive way.
  • Mention other LGBTQ+ friends or family you might have in open conversations.

When socializing with LGBTQ+ friend and family

  • Talk openly and honestly with your LGBTQ+ loved ones about their lives.
  • Make sure that you include the partners of your LGBTQ+ loved ones in events and activities, just as you would any other friend’s spouse or significant other.
  • Attend pride celebrations and other LGBTQ+ community events.
  • Suggest a get-together to watch a movie or show with LGBTQ+ topics or characters.

At work

  • Add your pronouns to your email signature or share your pronouns when introducing yourself to new friends or colleagues. For guidance on using pronouns, view HRC’s Pronouns 101 resource.
  • If you hear an anti-LGBTQ+ comment or joke, speak up and explain why such comments or jokes are harmful and offensive.
  • Integrate inclusive language into your regular conversations, professional interactions and/or spiritual life.
  • Put a supportive symbol or sign in your office or home, or on your vehicle. For example, you could wear an LGBTQ+ ally button, add a rainbow sticker on your name badge at work, or put the Human Rights Campaign equal sign sticker on your car.

On your own

  • Read an LGBTQ+ publication.
  • Post a message in support of LGBTQ+ issues on social media.
  • Get involved with pro-LGBTQ+ groups and campaigns and contact your elected officials about LGBTQ+ rights.
  • Join pro-LGBTQ+ causes or groups on social media and through other social networking opportunities.
  • Visit the website for PFLAG (formerly known as Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), a national organization that unites parents, families and allies with people who are LGBTQ+. You can go to pflag.org for information on local meetings and PFLAG public education programs across the country.
  • Stand up for LGBTQ+ issues in every aspect of your life — even if there are no LGBTQ+ people there to watch.

Will people think I’m LGBTQ+?

This is a question that many people have — and are often afraid to ask out loud. The simple answer is: yes, it is possible that some people may wonder if you are LGBTQ+ if you show your support for LGBTQ+ issues.

At the same time, many people understand that supporting fairness and equality for LGBTQ+ people does not mean that a person is LGBTQ+ — it means that a person values respect and acceptance for all people.

Also consider taking the time to work through any feelings of discomfort about being perceived as LGBTQ+. Recognizing that being seen as LGBTQ+ is nothing to be ashamed of will allow you to support your LGBTQ+ friends, loved ones or acquaintances more fully.

By being an advocate and supporter of LGBTQ+ people, you are leading by example. Odds are others will follow.

Many civil rights movements are successful because people from nearly every part of society stood shoulder to shoulder in fighting bias. The work to make the world safer and fairer for LGBTQ+ people will take the effort and understanding of all people from all walks of life, of all genders and sexual orientations. That is why it is so important that you are reading this resource and taking the next step toward supporting LGBTQ+ people.

Show Support For Different Identities

As no person is identical to any other, neither is any identity. While we have provided broad recommendations on ways to support LGBTQ+ people, we want to focus on a few of the often marginalized parts of our community and provide examples of how you can better support us.

LGBTQ+ People of Color

  1. No experience or journey is the same. Queer people often have experience as part of multiple marginalized communities. We may also be Black, indigenous or a person of color (BIPOC). We may be part of the disability community or face poverty or homelessness. The struggles of these groups often intersect with those of the queer community. To be an ally, take the time to listen to the experiences of marginalized people and help us to live openly and authentically. Take the time to learn about the unique experiences of LGBTQ+ communities of color.
  2. Support and advocate for our most marginalized communities. The LGBTQ+ community will not achieve full equality as long as LGBTQ+ people of color face oppression and marginalization on the basis of race. Transgender women of color continue to face blatant discrimination and an epidemic of violence simply for being who they are. The HIV epidemic disproportionately impacts Black and Latinx gay and bisexual men and transgender women. LGBTQ+ refugees and asylum seekers experience discrimination as both immigrants and queer people. Be an active and fierce advocate while still providing space for LGBTQ+ people of color to be heard.
  3. Embrace LGBTQ+ BIPOC leadership, share their stories and highlight their contributions to racial justice and LGBTQ+ movements. To be an ally means listening to and elevating all LGBTQ+ voices, including and especially LGBTQ+ BIPOC voices, who have historically been ignored or subject to ridicule in popular culture. Recognize and call out media that portrays LGBTQ+ BIPOC people negatively, or leaves them out entirely. Elevate LGBTQ+ BIPOC voices by promoting their art, hiring and promoting them at your job, voting for LGBTQ+ BIPOC candidates and allies who push for pro-equality and racial justice platforms, and spotlighting their voices whenever possible. Continue to share the rich and diverse narratives that highlight their unique experiences.

Bisexual (or Bi+) People

  1. See the individual in the bi+ person. The bi+ umbrella encompasses a wide range of identities based on sexual orientation, including bisexual, pansexual, queer, fluid and all non-monosexual identities (see the glossary of terms at the end of this guide). Bi+ people can also have a variety of gender identities, including cisgender, transgender and non-binary. Every bi+ person may define bi+ identity differently. Remember that every bi+ person is an individual with their own unique experiences, and there is no one way to be a bi+ person.
  2. Believe bi+ people when they tell you their sexuality. When a bi+ person comes out to you, don’t assume it’s just a step on the way to another identity, like gay or lesbian. Being bi+ is a valid identity on its own — it’s not a fad or a phase. No bi+ person needs to “prove” their sexuality to be bi+. When someone tells you that they are bi+, take them at face value, and work to overcome false assumptions and stereotypes you may have about bi+ people.
  3. Don’t erase the bi+ community and bi+ people’s experiences. Bi+ people face discrimination and biphobia, both from straight people, cisgender people and from gay and lesbian communities. This can be seen by the use of “gay and transgender” as an umbrella term for the entire LGBTQ+ community, assumptions that are made about bi+ people’s sexuality in certain spaces or based on the gender of their partner(s), and the erasure of bi+ people from LGBTQ+ history. The ‘B’ in LGBTQ+ must not be erased.
  4. Don’t hypersexualize bi+ people. Often, upon hearing that someone is bi+, people may ask questions about sex because they don’t understand bi+ identity. Bi+ identity is about more than sex, just like gay, lesbian and straight identities. Learning someone’s bi+ identity does not give you the license to ask about their sex or dating history. Don’t reduce bi+ people to their sexuality and challenge others who do.

Transgender and Non-Binary People

  1. Listen. It is important to listen to transgender and non-binary people, especially when it comes to their own experiences. Even if you think you can’t empathize, it is important to try your best to understand what your transgender and non-binary friends and loved ones are experiencing. We are looking for people who support us and trust us — the best way to start is by listening.
  2. Respect boundaries. Learn and respect the boundaries of your transgender and non-binary friends and loved ones. Some transgender and non-binary people love to share our stories, and others of us prefer that you first educate yourself. Certain topics, such as someone’s plans for surgery or about the name they used prior to their transition (often referred to as someone’s deadname), should not be raised without them first initiating that conversation. Respect is one of the first and most powerful steps toward allyship.
  3. Be an active supporter. Publicly support transgender and non-binary people, especially the ones you know personally. Be our advocates, especially when we’re not around — that’s usually when we need it the most. Advocate for more transgender and non-binary people in leadership positions and trust us to lead.
  4. Normalize pronouns. It is important to normalize the use of your pronouns when you introduce yourself to others, follow up by asking for others’ pronouns, and correct people when they use incorrect pronouns for someone else — even if that person is not in the room. These simple actions will send a message that one cannot assume someone’s gender or pronouns. We also recommend putting your pronouns in your email signature, on your nametag and other places where you introduce yourself in writing. For guidance on using pronouns, view HRC’s Pronouns 101 resource.

Glossary of Terms

AFAB: Stands for “Assigned Female at Birth.” Used to describe someone whose sex was assigned as female when born, typically based on their external genitalia. While many transgender and non-binary people are comfortable identifying as AFAB, some prefer not to use this term to describe their experience or the experiences of others.

AMAB: Stands for “Assigned Male at Birth.” Used to describe someone whose sex was assigned as male when born, typically based on their external genitalia. While many transgender and non-binary people are comfortable identifying as AMAB, some prefer not to use this term to describe their experience or the experiences of others.

ALLY: A term used to describe someone who is actively supportive of LGBTQ+ people. It encompasses straight and cisgender allies, as well as those within the LGBTQ+ community who support each other (e.g., a lesbian who is an ally to the bisexual+ community).

ASEXUAL: Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

BIPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to more than one gender.

BISEXUAL: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or , fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population–according to Gallup, in 2021, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.

CISGENDER: A term used to describe a person whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth.

FLUID: A term people often use to describe their sexual orientation if their orientation changes with time, or if their orientation has the potential to change with time.

FTM: Stands for “female-to-male,” referring to someone who was assigned female at birth, but is transitioning or has transitioned to their true identity as a man. This term is relatively outdated and its use is not recommended, but it can still be seen in some medical and pop culture texts.

GAY: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

GENDER-EXPANSIVE: Conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender identity and/or expression than typically associated with the binary (male/female) gender system. Often used as an umbrella term when referring to young people still exploring the possibilities of their gender identities.

GENDER EXPRESSION: External appearance of one’s gender identity, usually expressed through behavior, clothing, haircut or voice, and which may or may not conform to socially defined behaviors and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.

GENDER IDENTITY: One’s innermost concept of self as man, woman, a blend of both or neither – how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different from the sex assigned at birth.

GENDER NON-CONFORMING: A broad term referring to people who do not behave in a way that conforms to the traditional expectations of their gender, or whose gender expression does not fit neatly into a category.

HOMOPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to members of the same gender.

INTERSEX: Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. There is a wide variety of difference among intersex variations, including differences in genitalia, chromosomes, gonads, internal sex organs, hormone production, hormone response, and/or secondary sex traits. You should avoid using the term “hermaphrodite” when talking about intersex people as it is typically used as a slur.

LESBIAN: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people use this term describe themselves.

LGBTQ+: Stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and more.” Many people and organizations use “LGBTQ” as a catch-all term for the non-cisgender and non-straight community, but the acronym varies depending on culture and style. For example, some groups may add “I” for intersex (LGBTQI), “2” for two-spirit (LGBQT2) or “A” for asexual (LGBTQA). HRC uses LGBTQ+, with the plus sign representing all of the many identities on the queer spectrum.

MONOSEXUAL: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of only one gender.

MTF: Stands for “male-to-female,” referring to someone who was assigned male at birth, but is transitioning or has transitioned to their true identity as a woman. This term is relatively outdated and its use is not recommended, but it can still be seen in some medical and pop culture texts.

NON-BINARY: Describes a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. A non-binary person may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or completely outside these categories. While many non-binary people also identify as transgender, not all do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

PANSEXUAL: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with omnisexual, queer, or bisexual.

PRONOUNS: Any word that can replace a noun or noun phrase and refer specifically to people who are being talked about. Examples of pronouns an individual may use include She/Her/Hers, He/Him/His or They/ Them/Theirs. Some individuals use neopronouns such as Xe/Hir/Hirs, or use no pronouns at all. The phrase “preferred pronouns” is being phased out by the community, as it denotes that gender is a choice or that the individual’s pronouns are only preferred and therefore not mandatory to use.

QUEER: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/ umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities. For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else. For them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive, or who themselves are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. Still others may use queer to define their gender /gender identity, reflecting those who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.

SAME-GENDER LOVING: A term some prefer to use to express attraction to and love of people of the same gender.

SEXUAL IDENTITY: The label one uses for their sexual orientation. Essentially, it is the term you use to indicate your sexual orientation, to yourself and to the world. While most people who use a specific sexual identity (e.g., lesbian) use it to refer to a specific sexual orientation (e.g., a woman who is attracted to other women), others may use different identity labels to describe that same sexual orientation—and others still may use the same identity label to convey different sexual orientations.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Term used to describe one’s overall inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to other people. Essentially, it is who you are ‘oriented’ towards. Note: an individual’s sexual orientation is independent of their gender identity.

TRANSGENDER: An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. Do not use the term “transgendered,” even as an adjective, as it is considered outdated and incorrect. Instead, consider using “transgender people,” “transgender person,” “trans people” or “trans person.”

TRANSITION: A process that some transgender and non-binary people go through when they decide to live as their true gender, rather than the one assigned to them at birth.

TRANSPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people whose gender identity or gender expression do not conform to cultural gender norms.

TRANSSEXUAL: An older term typically used to describe people we today recognize as transgender. The term fell out of use in the transgender community due to its common use in pornographic contexts. However, some transgender people have reembraced “transsexual” to recognize our connection to older generations of trans people and to reclaim agency over the word from those who would seek to define us.

TRANSVESTITE: A largely outdated term that has been replaced with “crossdresser” in most contexts. Although the term “transvestite” was historically used to describe people we might today recognize as transgender, the term fell out of favor because it did not adequately describe their gender identity. Transgender and non-binary people do not simply wear the clothes of another gender as a performance. Instead, our gender identity is an intrinsic part of who we are. However, the transgender community has a long historical association with drag and many drag performers may also be transgender or non-binary.

Additional Resources

Hotlines

The Trevor Helpline 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (online chat available) (800) 273-8255

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25) (800) 246-7743

Crisis Text Line Text START to 741-741

Trans Lifeline (877) 565-8860

State HIV & AIDS Hotlines

Other Coming Out Guides

Black LGBTQ+ Coming Out Resource

For those who identify as Black LGBTQ+ people, the coming out process can be complex to navigate. Coming Out: Living Authentically as Black LGBTQ+ People is designed for those embarking on their own coming out journey at the intersections of LGBTQ+ and Black identities. This guide aims to recognize the unique experiences Black LGBTQ+ people have in coming out, while understanding that coming out is a personal choice and the lifelong coming out experience is different for everyone.

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Asian and Pacific Islander LGBTQ+ Coming Out Resource

For many Asian and Pacific Islander Americans, coming out is a lifelong process that can require a different approach because of cultural norms or traditions that emphasize duty to family and community. The National Queer Asian Pacific Islander Alliance and HRC Foundation's Coming Out as LGBTQ+ Asian and Pacific Islander Americans resource is designed to aid LGBTQ+ API Americans in navigating the intersectional challenges when coming out.

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Latinx LGBTQ+ Coming Out Resource

Coming Out: Living Authentically as LGBTQ+ Latinx Americans resource is designed to aid LGBTQ+ Latinx Americans in navigating the intersectional challenges when coming out. For those of us who identify as LGBTQ+ and as Latinx Americans, the coming out process can be even more complex to navigate. Often, it requires a unique approach that can cut across multiple languages, cultures, nationalities, religious identities and family generations.

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Coming Out: Living Authentically as Transgender or Non-Binary

Coming Out: Living Authentically as Transgender or Non-Binary will use the phrase “transgender and non-binary” to try to best capture this broad array of identities. That being said, it is important to recognize that not all people in these groups may identify as transgender or non-binary. In addition, there may be transgender or nonbinary people whose gender does not fit in any of the terms described above. This resource is meant for anyone and everyone whose gender does not fit what they were assigned at birth. No matter who you are, we affirm you, and your gender is valid.

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Coming Out: Living Authentically as Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual+

Coming Out: Living Authentically as Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual+ was designed to help you and your loved ones through the coming out process in realistic and practical terms. It acknowledges that the experience of coming out and living openly covers the full spectrum of human emotion — from paralyzing fear to unbounded euphoria.

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Coming Out: Living Authentically as Bisexual+

Coming out is different for every person. For bisexual people, coming out can present some unique challenges. This guide is designed to prepare you for potential challenges of coming out as bisexual and to give you the tools to come out and live openly wherever and whenever you are safe, able and ready.

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Understanding the Asexual Community

Asexual, often called “ace” for short, refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

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Understanding the Intersex Community

Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. According to experts, upper estimates are that nearly 2% of the general population is born with intersex traits

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About the Human Rights Campaign Foundation

The Human Rights Campaign Foundation improves the lives of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ+) people by working to increase understanding and encourage the adoption of LGBTQ+-inclusive policies and practices. We build support for LGBTQ+ people among families and friends, co-workers and employers, pastors and parishioners, doctors and teachers, neighbors, and the general public. Through our programs and projects, we are enhancing the lived experiences of LGBTQ+ people and their families, as we change hearts and minds across America and around the globe. The HRC Foundation is a nonprofit, tax-exempt 501(c)(3) organization.