Being an LGBTQ+ Ally

Every person has their own journey in understanding what it means to support LGBTQ+ people, whether you’re LGBTQ+ or not. We hope this resource can help you begin that journey.

You might be reading this resource because you want to provide guidance for LGBTQ+ people in your role as a teacher, counselor or religious leader. Maybe your child, best friend or parent just came out to you, and you have no idea what that means. Maybe you’re already a member of the LGBTQ+ community, and you want to make sure you’re supporting all of the parts of the community that you can. Or maybe you’re reading this resource because you’re just trying to be a better ally. No matter what brought you here, you have come to the right place.

This resource is designed to help build understanding and comfort. If you are new to LGBTQ+ issues, we will answer many of your questions. Or, if you have known LGBTQ+ people for years and are looking to find new ways to show your support, you can skim this resource and take the pieces that are relevant to you. It’s ok to not know everything — we’re here to help.

The Human Rights Campaign Foundation hopes this resource can help you build understanding of LGBTQ+ identities and issues, and that you can use this newfound knowledge to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. Thank you for reading. We’re glad you’re here.

We’ll start with the basics: what does LGBTQ+ stand for?

LGBTQ+ stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer and more.” Many people and organizations use “LGBTQ+” as a catch-all term for the non-cisgender and non-straight community, but the acronym varies depending on culture and style. For example, some groups may add “I” for intersex (LGBTQI), “2” for two-spirit (LGBQT2) or “A” for asexual or aromantic (LGBTQA). HRC uses LGBTQ+, with the plus sign representing all of the many identities on the queer spectrum.

We Have Multiple Identities

Being lesbian, gay or bisexual refers to a person’s sexual orientation, or who they are attracted to. Being transgender refers to a person’s gender identity, or their internal sense of gender. People may refer to themselves as queer if their sexual orientation and/or gender identity is outside of the mainstream. These labels are not mutually exclusive. For example, a person can be a transgender woman and a lesbian — a woman who was assigned male at birth and is attracted to other women. This person might also refer to themselves as queer because their sexual orientation and gender identity are counter to the mainstream.

Every single person has their own sexual identity and sexual orientation, and there is no right or wrong way to define either. While most people who use a specific sexual identity (e.g., lesbian) use it to refer to a specific sexual orientation (e.g., a woman who is attracted to other women), others may use different identity labels to describe that same sexual orientation—and others still may use the same identity label to convey different sexual orientations.

Similarly, everyone’s gender journey is unique, and the ways one person may define their gender and gender identity, and/or choose to express or present their gender, may not match with what is listed below. You should not make assumptions about a transgender or non-binary person’s transition goals, feelings of gender dysphoria, current anatomy, experience with misogyny or how they were socialized growing up based on their gender identity, and/or assigned sex at birth.

Here is what the letters traditionally stand for:

L - Lesbian: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

G - Gay: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

B - Bisexual: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population–according to Gallup, in 2021, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.

T - Transgender: An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. Do not use the term “transgendered,” even as an adjective, as it is considered outdated and incorrect. Instead, consider using “transgender people,” “transgender person,” “trans people” or “trans person.”

Q - Queer: Queer: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/ umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities. For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else; for them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive. Still others may use queer to define themselves as a reflection of their own non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.

Here are some other important definitions to remember:

Sex assigned at birth: A person’s sex assigned at birth, usually male or female, is the designation that a doctor or midwife uses to describe a child at birth based on their external anatomy. Since this sex assignment occurs in infancy, and is decided by doctors and midwives rather than the person it applies to, it may not reflect a person’s own understanding of their gender, their gender identity or their sex as they grow and mature.

Non-binary: Describes a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. A non-binary person may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or completely outside these categories. While many non-binary people also identify as transgender, not all do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

Intersex: Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. There is a wide variety of difference among intersex variations, including differences in genitalia, chromosomes, gonads, internal sex organs, hormone production, hormone response, and/or secondary sex traits.

Asexual: Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

Cisgender: A term used to describe a person whose gender identity aligns with the sex recorded for them at birth.

In the United States, LGBTQ+ people have reached major milestones in the past 50 years, often credited to the work of transgender women of color in the Stonewall riots of 1969, coming on the heels of earlier LGBTQ+ uprisings including Compton’s Cafeteria in 1966 and the Black Cat protests in 1967. You can learn more about Stonewall and the past 100 years of LGBTQ+ rights in the United States here.

Much has changed for LGBTQ+ people in the U.S. since 1969. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ has been overturned — allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals to serve openly in the military. Marriage equality is the law of the land. And employment discrimination against LGBTQ+ people has been recognized by the Supreme Court as illegal.

That being said, we still have a long way to go. LGBTQ+ people are still targets of violence, with Black transgender women losing their lives to fatal violence at alarming rates. LGBTQ+ people can be denied services in many states, ranging from homeless youth programs and veterans services to shopping centers and taxi cabs. And too many LGBTQ+ people are subject to so-called “reparative,” “exploratory” or “conversion” therapy, a dangerous practice that targets LGBTQ+ youth and falsely seeks to change their sexual orientation or gender identity.

By pushing for LGBTQ+ acceptance and equality, we can make the world a better place for LGBTQ+ people. Through the very act of reading this resource, you are showing an interest and determination in making the world a better place for LGBTQ+ people. Thank you for joining us.

Honored that someone has chosen to entrust them with this revelation:

“It was a cool moment. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. You only share something like this with people who matter.”
— Sharon, a sister, Wyoming

Accepting and dedicated:

“You shouldn’t build a relationship on whether you are gay or straight. True friendship is not based on that.”
— Chris, a college friend, Idaho

Curious about what life is like for LGBTQ+ people:

“Why? How? You ask those questions.”
— Brandon, a dad, Oregon

Apprehensive or uncomfortable:

“The unknown causes you to pull back.”
— Donna, a co-worker, Florid

Disapproving of the perceived “lifestyle”:

“I never ask him about it — I don’t accept it.”
— Steve, an uncle, Maine

Anxious for the well-being of the LGBTQ+ person:

“What are you supposed to do? How are we supposed to act? I get angry at how the world will treat him.”
— Amy, a mom, Texas

LGBTQ+ People of Color

1. No experience or journey is the same. Queer people often have experience as part of multiple marginalized communities. We may also be Black, indigenous or a person of color (BIPOC). We may be part of the disability community or face poverty or homelessness. The struggles of these groups often intersect with those of the queer community. To be an ally, take the time to listen to the experiences of marginalized people and help us to live openly and authentically. Take the time to learn about the unique experiences of LGBTQ+ communities of color.
2. Support and advocate for our most marginalized communities. The LGBTQ+ community will not achieve full equality as long as LGBTQ+ people of color face oppression and marginalization on the basis of race. Transgender women of color continue to face blatant discrimination and an epidemic of violence simply for being who they are. The HIV epidemic disproportionately impacts Black and Latinx gay and bisexual men and transgender women. LGBTQ+ refugees and asylum seekers experience discrimination as both immigrants and queer people. Be an active and fierce advocate while still providing space for LGBTQ+ people of color to be heard.
3. Embrace LGBTQ+ BIPOC leadership, share their stories and highlight their contributions to racial justice and LGBTQ+ movements. To be an ally means listening to and elevating all LGBTQ+ voices, including and especially LGBTQ+ BIPOC voices, who have historically been ignored or subject to ridicule in popular culture. Recognize and call out media that portrays LGBTQ+ BIPOC people negatively, or leaves them out entirely. Elevate LGBTQ+ BIPOC voices by promoting their art, hiring and promoting them at your job, voting for LGBTQ+ BIPOC candidates and allies who push for pro-equality and racial justice platforms, and spotlighting their voices whenever possible. Continue to share the rich and diverse narratives that highlight their unique experiences.

Bisexual (or Bi+) People

1. See the individual in the bi+ person. The bi+ umbrella encompasses a wide range of identities based on sexual orientation, including bisexual, pansexual, queer, fluid and all non-monosexual identities (see the glossary of terms at the end of this guide). Bi+ people can also have a variety of gender identities, including cisgender, transgender and non-binary. Every bi+ person may define bi+ identity differently. Remember that every bi+ person is an individual with their own unique experiences, and there is no one way to be a bi+ person.
2. Believe bi+ people when they tell you their sexuality. When a bi+ person comes out to you, don’t assume it’s just a step on the way to another identity, like gay or lesbian. Being bi+ is a valid identity on its own — it’s not a fad or a phase. No bi+ person needs to “prove” their sexuality to be bi+. When someone tells you that they are bi+, take them at face value, and work to overcome false assumptions and stereotypes you may have about bi+ people.
3. Don’t erase the bi+ community and bi+ people’s experiences. Bi+ people face discrimination and biphobia, both from straight people, cisgender people and from gay and lesbian communities. This can be seen by the use of “gay and transgender” as an umbrella term for the entire LGBTQ+ community, assumptions that are made about bi+ people’s sexuality in certain spaces or based on the gender of their partner(s), and the erasure of bi+ people from LGBTQ+ history. The ‘B’ in LGBTQ+ must not be erased.
4. Don’t hypersexualize bi+ people. Often, upon hearing that someone is bi+, people may ask questions about sex because they don’t understand bi+ identity. Bi+ identity is about more than sex, just like gay, lesbian and straight identities. Learning someone’s bi+ identity does not give you the license to ask about their sex or dating history. Don’t reduce bi+ people to their sexuality and challenge others who do.

Transgender and Non-Binary People

1. Listen. It is important to listen to transgender and non-binary people, especially when it comes to their own experiences. Even if you think you can’t empathize, it is important to try your best to understand what your transgender and non-binary friends and loved ones are experiencing. We are looking for people who support us and trust us — the best way to start is by listening.
2. Respect boundaries. Learn and respect the boundaries of your transgender and non-binary friends and loved ones. Some transgender and non-binary people love to share our stories, and others of us prefer that you first educate yourself. Certain topics, such as someone’s plans for surgery or about the name they used prior to their transition (often referred to as someone’s deadname), should not be raised without them first initiating that conversation. Respect is one of the first and most powerful steps toward allyship.
3. Be an active supporter. Publicly support transgender and non-binary people, especially the ones you know personally. Be our advocates, especially when we’re not around — that’s usually when we need it the most. Advocate for more transgender and non-binary people in leadership positions and trust us to lead.
4. Normalize pronouns. It is important to normalize the use of your pronouns when you introduce yourself to others, follow up by asking for others’ pronouns, and correct people when they use incorrect pronouns for someone else — even if that person is not in the room. These simple actions will send a message that one cannot assume someone’s gender or pronouns. We also recommend putting your pronouns in your email signature, on your nametag and other places where you introduce yourself in writing. For guidance on using pronouns, view HRC’s Pronouns 101 resource.

AFAB: Stands for “Assigned Female at Birth.” Used to describe someone whose sex was assigned as female when born, typically based on their external genitalia. While many transgender and non-binary people are comfortable identifying as AFAB, some prefer not to use this term to describe their experience or the experiences of others.

AMAB: Stands for “Assigned Male at Birth.” Used to describe someone whose sex was assigned as male when born, typically based on their external genitalia. While many transgender and non-binary people are comfortable identifying as AMAB, some prefer not to use this term to describe their experience or the experiences of others.

ALLY: A term used to describe someone who is actively supportive of LGBTQ+ people. It encompasses straight and cisgender allies, as well as those within the LGBTQ+ community who support each other (e.g., a lesbian who is an ally to the bisexual+ community).

ASEXUAL: Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

BIPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to more than one gender.

BISEXUAL: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or , fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population–according to Gallup, in 2021, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.

CISGENDER: A term used to describe a person whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth.

FLUID: A term people often use to describe their sexual orientation if their orientation changes with time, or if their orientation has the potential to change with time.

FTM: Stands for “female-to-male,” referring to someone who was assigned female at birth, but is transitioning or has transitioned to their true identity as a man. This term is relatively outdated and its use is not recommended, but it can still be seen in some medical and pop culture texts.

GAY: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

GENDER-EXPANSIVE: Conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender identity and/or expression than typically associated with the binary (male/female) gender system. Often used as an umbrella term when referring to young people still exploring the possibilities of their gender identities.

GENDER EXPRESSION: External appearance of one’s gender identity, usually expressed through behavior, clothing, haircut or voice, and which may or may not conform to socially defined behaviors and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.

GENDER IDENTITY: One’s innermost concept of self as man, woman, a blend of both or neither – how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different from the sex assigned at birth.

GENDER NON-CONFORMING: A broad term referring to people who do not behave in a way that conforms to the traditional expectations of their gender, or whose gender expression does not fit neatly into a category.

HOMOPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to members of the same gender.

INTERSEX: Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. There is a wide variety of difference among intersex variations, including differences in genitalia, chromosomes, gonads, internal sex organs, hormone production, hormone response, and/or secondary sex traits. You should avoid using the term “hermaphrodite” when talking about intersex people as it is typically used as a slur.

LESBIAN: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people use this term describe themselves.

LGBTQ+: Stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and more.” Many people and organizations use “LGBTQ” as a catch-all term for the non-cisgender and non-straight community, but the acronym varies depending on culture and style. For example, some groups may add “I” for intersex (LGBTQI), “2” for two-spirit (LGBQT2) or “A” for asexual (LGBTQA). HRC uses LGBTQ+, with the plus sign representing all of the many identities on the queer spectrum.

MONOSEXUAL: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of only one gender.

MTF: Stands for “male-to-female,” referring to someone who was assigned male at birth, but is transitioning or has transitioned to their true identity as a woman. This term is relatively outdated and its use is not recommended, but it can still be seen in some medical and pop culture texts.

NON-BINARY: Describes a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. A non-binary person may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or completely outside these categories. While many non-binary people also identify as transgender, not all do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

PANSEXUAL: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with omnisexual, queer, or bisexual.

PRONOUNS: Any word that can replace a noun or noun phrase and refer specifically to people who are being talked about. Examples of pronouns an individual may use include She/Her/Hers, He/Him/His or They/ Them/Theirs. Some individuals use neopronouns such as Xe/Hir/Hirs, or use no pronouns at all. The phrase “preferred pronouns” is being phased out by the community, as it denotes that gender is a choice or that the individual’s pronouns are only preferred and therefore not mandatory to use.

QUEER: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/ umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities. For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else. For them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive, or who themselves are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. Still others may use queer to define their gender /gender identity, reflecting those who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.

SAME-GENDER LOVING: A term some prefer to use to express attraction to and love of people of the same gender.

SEXUAL IDENTITY: The label one uses for their sexual orientation. Essentially, it is the term you use to indicate your sexual orientation, to yourself and to the world. While most people who use a specific sexual identity (e.g., lesbian) use it to refer to a specific sexual orientation (e.g., a woman who is attracted to other women), others may use different identity labels to describe that same sexual orientation—and others still may use the same identity label to convey different sexual orientations.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Term used to describe one’s overall inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to other people. Essentially, it is who you are ‘oriented’ towards. Note: an individual’s sexual orientation is independent of their gender identity.

TRANSGENDER: An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. Do not use the term “transgendered,” even as an adjective, as it is considered outdated and incorrect. Instead, consider using “transgender people,” “transgender person,” “trans people” or “trans person.”

TRANSITION: A process that some transgender and non-binary people go through when they decide to live as their true gender, rather than the one assigned to them at birth.

TRANSPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people whose gender identity or gender expression do not conform to cultural gender norms.

TRANSSEXUAL: An older term typically used to describe people we today recognize as transgender. The term fell out of use in the transgender community due to its common use in pornographic contexts. However, some transgender people have reembraced “transsexual” to recognize our connection to older generations of trans people and to reclaim agency over the word from those who would seek to define us.

TRANSVESTITE: A largely outdated term that has been replaced with “crossdresser” in most contexts. Although the term “transvestite” was historically used to describe people we might today recognize as transgender, the term fell out of favor because it did not adequately describe their gender identity. Transgender and non-binary people do not simply wear the clothes of another gender as a performance. Instead, our gender identity is an intrinsic part of who we are. However, the transgender community has a long historical association with drag and many drag performers may also be transgender or non-binary.

The Trevor Helpline 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (online chat available) (800) 273-8255

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25) (800) 246-7743

Crisis Text Line Text START to 741-741

Trans Lifeline (877) 565-8860

State HIV & AIDS Hotlines